Pimp My Pitch: Pimping Out 1-Liners

Oh boy. I'm so glad I sent this to you because it seemed so clear in my own head but is obviously not on paper. I thought the stake was obvious: save a kid or conduct deadly experiments on him. The reason she won't test him is psychological and reveals itself through the story but I had no way of fitting all that into 25 words or less.

I'm in love with the "atmosphere" I created in the first bit of my pitch ("Splitting DNA by day...") but I will regretfully drop it to make room for more words. Back to the drawing board. Thanks so much for your tips.

Dianna K's 1-liner:
Exsanguinate is about an on-line RPG programmer who must solve violent crimes inside her own game to save her soul and the lives of her sisters before they are used to breed an army of Dhampir to destroy the vampire race.

To save space and give the agent quick-glance details, start with:
Title: Exsanguinate
Genre:
Word count:

Then just get right into the story. Here are some suggestions -based on the 1-liner, not on the other info you submitted. It's important that our 1-liners speak for themselves. If you have to explain more to get the story across, time to revamp (pardon the pun DK) your pitch.

This section of your "more information abt my story" is good. Can you weave this into a 1-liner?
By way of an on-line RPG game that Cheyenne has programmed, she must now navigate tortuous and violent clues to recover her stolen sisters from kidnappers before they are used to breed their "puro sangue" Dhampir army.

How about:

Cheyenne, a gaming programmer, must navigate tortuous and violent clues in an on-line game to recover her stolen sisters from kidnappers before they are used to breed a Dhampir army.

Good luck DK!!

JoJo,

I would very much welcome your feedback and suggestions!

A renegade underworld warrior, Simon the Tortured, and Rhea, a rebellious demigoddess, must battle the spawn of Hades to keep the earth from becoming the playground of the gods and must sacrifice everything to pursue a legendary love.

Thank you!

Title:THE MARK OF ABEL
Genre: paranormal romance
Word count: 86K

Lucifer plans to use a feisty artist to return to heaven, but falling in love with her reawakens the compassion that got him expelled.

Cat’s 1-liner:
Title: Urchin King
Genre: YA historical fantasy
Word count: 70,000


Street-urchin Paul takes on his twin brother's role as Crown Prince and must defeat a soul-devouring ghost to win back his family without getting killed.


The problem I see with your 1-liner is that it’s too vague and appears to contain details that don’t seem to add anything to the pitch.

Here’s my big question:
When Paul switches roles with his brother – does something happen to him? Does he gain special powers? Does he become taller? If nothing special happens to Paul except a change of title– leave it out of your pitch.

Maybe something like this: (I know I’m making up details, but it’s just an example of what you can do.)

Paul a run of the mill street-urchin turned city protector takes on a soul-devouring ghost or watch him family die in front of him.

Morgana K:
Hey M, be sure to include at the top of your 1-liner so the agent/editor will know what they are looking at.

Title:
Genre:
Word Count:

A renegade underworld warrior, Simon the Tortured, and Rhea, a rebellious demigoddess, must battle the spawn of Hades to keep the earth from becoming the playground of the gods and must sacrifice everything to pursue a legendary love.

I’m totally with you until the last line. Is it Simon & Rhea’s that you’re talking about? How do they sacrifice it? I moved a couple of things around, but check it out and see how it fits into your story.

A renegade underworld warrior, Simon the Tortured, and Rhea, a rebellious demigoddess are willing to sacrifice their legendary love to fight the spawn of Hades to keep the earth from becoming Playground of the Gods.

Jeanie R:
Title: The Mark of Abel
Genre: paranormal romance
Word count: 86K

Lucifer plans to use a feisty artist to return to heaven, but falling in love with her reawakens the compassion that got him expelled.

Hey J, I know there is more to your story – so let’s find it.

Watch out for passive, un-active language. “Lucifer plans to use…” Can you find a more active word, such a compels, seduces, bribes…

How does he use her? Her power? Her creativity. Get specific.

I’m a big confused that compassion is what got Lucifer expelled from Heaven. Add a detail or two – that should help your pitch.

And the stakes: If L falls in love, does that mean he’s NOT getting what he really wants? Love or Hell?

Good luck!!

T. Lusk
Title: A Strange Twist of Fate
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 30K

With a drop of blood and a kiss of magic, Dahvee gives the gift of life to a dying soldier never dreaming a strange twist of fate will give him a chance to return her kindness with surprising results.

T. Lusk
Title: A Strange Twist of Fate
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 30K

With a drop of blood and a kiss of magic, Dahvee gives the gift of life to a dying soldier never dreaming a strange twist of fate will give him a chance to return her kindness with surprising results.

Hey T - This works. It leaves me wanting answers, aka: more, which is a good thing.

At this point I'm just being a nit picker, but since it's what I do...couple things.
Consider changing "will give" to "gives."
Odd question -- is it in "kindness" that he returns the favor or something else? If the "surprising result" is love -- we can guess that. If it is something else that would be very cool!

Hi JoJo,
do you think this is any better?

Title: Urchin King
Genre: YA historical fantasy
Word count: 70,000

If found out, Street-urchin Paul secretly turned Crown Prince faces execution for being a twin unless he yields his beloved family to a soul-devouring ghost.


Thanks for your help. I'm hopeless at this.
Cat

Hey Cat,
Pitching is hard, takes lots of practice & a village -- so hang in there and keep reworking your pitches until they really show your project in its best light!

Your revision is:
If found out, Street-urchin Paul secretly turned Crown Prince faces execution for being a twin unless he yields his beloved family to a soul-devouring ghost.

You have the stakes in this pitch, the possible death of his family, but I don’t quite understand the whole “crown prince/twin” thing. It just doesn’t seem like enough to drive the story.

What is it about Paul that makes him drive the story, and being a twin doesn’t seem like enough. Is the fact that Paul is a twin is what gives him the power to defeat the ghost? If so, pump up that aspect of the story.

Example:
A forgotten and discarded twin, Paul takes this brothers place and is the only one who can battle with a soul-devouring ghost or lose even the meager life he holds so dear.

The trick is leaving out details that distract from the real story.

As a second born twin, Paul can detect and use magic but he doesn't know. The ghost used to be someone who killed second born twins to "eat their souls" thus assimilating their magical talents. Although the someone is long dead, the law is still valid and Paul will be executed if his father (the king) finds out that he's the second born who should have been killed at birth (but was secretly rescued). And it's not his life he holds dear but living with his family. I'm at a loss. How do I condense this in a sentence with less than 25 words?

Cat -- for a 1-line pitch it helps to keep to the big picture and leave all the side stuff, while important to the story itself, bogs down a pitch.

Try:
As second born twin Paul should be dead, but instead, he's the only one with the magical talents to face down a soul-sucking ghost who is hell bent on killing the one thing he loves, his family.

Try picking out the big points that are exciting and give us the basics of your story. Leave out the King, the laws of the past, and even the fact that he was rescued.

JoJo,

Thank you very much!

Morgana

I know that the side stuff bogs down the pitch. It's just hard to decide what's side stuff and what isn't. Thanks so much for the help. For me, the whole story centers around the law that demands the killing of all second born twins, so I'd like to keep it in the pitch.

If I go with your suggestion, I'd get this (25 words):
As a second born twin, street-urchin Paul should be dead, but instead he battles a soul-devouring ghost to save his life and his rediscovered family.


And if I keep my law in there, I'd get (21 words):
Sentenced to death by an ancient law, street-urchin Paul battles the lawmaker's soul-devouring ghost to save his life and his family.


I like the second one better, but what do you think. Is it still too vague? Thanks so much for your help. I'm learning tons here. Maybe you should give a workshop on writing loglines. ;-)

Hey Cat,
I like the second one -- you got it in there! And it really sets the stage.

Way to hang in there -- and let me know how it goes!
JoJo

Title: Hidden in Shadows
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word count: 97K

As a paranorm with the ability to cloak herself in shadows, assassin Lorna seeks revenge for her father’s murder but is torn between duty and love when she falls for her latest target.

Thanks again, JoJo. You're terrific.

Hope this isn't too late to preview since I've been too sick to check in. Thanks for the help.
T. Lusk
Title: A Strange Twist of Fate
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 30K

With a drop of blood and a kiss of magic, Dahvee gives the gift of life to a dying soldier never dreaming a strange twist of fate will give him a chance to return her kindness with surprising results.

Hey T - This works. It leaves me wanting answers, aka: more, which is a good thing.

At this point I'm just being a nit picker, but since it's what I do...couple things.
Consider changing "will give" to "gives."
Odd question -- is it in "kindness" that he returns the favor or something else? If the "surprising result" is love -- we can guess that. If it is something else that would be very cool!

With a drop of blood and a kiss of magic, Dahvee gives the gift of life to a dying soldier never dreaming a strange twist of fate would give him the same chance, which now completes an ancient ritual binding them together forever whether it be in love or in hate.

Nicole Z
Title: Hidden in Shadows
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word count: 97K

As a paranorm with the ability to cloak herself in shadows, assassin Lorna seeks revenge for her father’s murder but is torn between duty and love when she falls for her latest target.

Nice! I get the story and what is at stake for Lorna. I wouldn’t change a thing.